Ally Malinenko- Three Poems

Collateral Damage

You’re never going to connect to anyone ever again.

That’s what the storyteller says

as I watch him talk about

the black bird of cancer

and just like that,

I know it’s true.

I can feel that wall now

the one I keep walking into

rubbing up against me

and even last night

I felt it again

as we were on the couch,

the wine bottle half finished

the boring movie shut off

Neil Young on the radio

and you and me talking about

music and art

not cancer for a change

and you remember

that I said I had something to tell you

and you remind me

you say, what were you going to say before

and my mouth opens

and closes

and opens

and closes

You are never going to connect to anyone ever again.

and I say nothing

because maybe

the storyteller was wrong.

And I smile and

say, I don’t remember.

And I pray for the storyteller to be wrong.

The Waiting #1

When it is Monday

I am both too close

and not close

enough to Wednesday

which is the day

I should get the call

about the biopsy.

And I am not doing well,

one drink away from tears

or stupidity

and you are trying

telling me it’s fine

and I am nodding

wanting to grab you

and shake you and

scream,

It’s fucking cancer.

I know it.

I saw the doctor’s face

when she turned

to wash my blood off her gloved fingers

after dropping bits of me

into a jar for the lab

and I said,

Hey Doc, you’re not worried are you

craning my neck

to see her face

from this operating table

and she said

Yes, Allyson

she used my whole

name the way people

who don’t know me do

she said Yes Allyson, I’m very worried.

before yanking off her gloves

dropping them in the sink

and walking out the door.

Secrets

I watch videos online

during my late night at work

of girls explaining

how to tie a head scarf

so it doesn’t slip off your head.

Avoid silk they say, rubbing their bald heads

talking to the camera.

They are good at this,

nimble fingered

and careful.

Each one they tie

looks great,

if great is a word that can be used here.

I email a few to my mother.

I tell her not to worry about the chemo

I tell her to be strong

To be brave.

I tell her all the things that I whisper to myself late at night.

I send videos to my mother

so she can learn to tie a headscarf

I save a few for me.