‘How To Philosophize With A Hammer’
(or down in the East End with Niezsche.)
Me and Phil Mitchell, you know the geezer,
face like a boiled clam, lobster colour
and steaming, were ‘aving a few jars down
the Queen Vic, chatting about this, chatting
about that, when I notice his ‘ead starts
ballooning into some grotesquely pink
bubble gum bauble all set to go: BANG!
Laughably ‘e concludes it’s because
‘e went to uni and ‘e needs to express
his ideas on Jean-Paul Sartre and Nietzsche.
I thought Chelsea had splashed the cash again,
got in some new lads for their pub quiz team,
so not to be out done I mouthed off
untold praise for the West Ham Academy.
Slurps on his lager, pulls gargoyle faces,
before going on about reinventing
treason; claims there’s too much rhyming
and too few metaphors in the world these days,
blames all our woes on lesbians and gays.
Just then his brother Grant pipes up, moaning,
fed up, on the look out for a cheap thrill;
so we kicks the shit out of Ian Beale.
After the pub we get the eighty six
to Stratford, me and Phil ‘ave another
set to, all ‘cos ‘e reckons that was where
Shakespeare came from, but I know ‘e were south
of the river, so says I, that makes ‘im,
bard or no bloody bard, Millwall and a bit pikey,
and, let’s face it, for 'im to ‘ave crossed
the Thames; what for, it’s just so unlikely.
Now Grant’s getting very bored by all this
old rabbit. At the bus stop ‘e lays into
some fart-faced queue jumping hag.
Her shopping hits the deck and there’s apples
and pears rolling about in the gutter,
‘er bag gets split, there’s claret and piss
all over the shop. There’s even some talk
of the old bill coming, blue lights flashing.
And on top of all that, the bus driver
gets all in a right ol’ strop. Just ‘cos we
ain’t got nufink smaller than an tenner.
So we legs it off up to the Boleyn.
Downs a portion of pie and mash with green
liquor. Then we ‘ave a little sing song,
a few choruses of:‘Bubbles’ sat around
the World Cup statue of Hurst an’ Peters
holding aloft the late great Bobby Moore.
Feeling all claret and blue, Grant reckons
I’m blessed to be in the: ‘Twilight of the Idols’.
‘How To Philosophize With A Hammer’ – first pub. Ersatz Press #1 2010
Born East London but now residing amongst the hedge mumblers of rural Suffolk, P.A.Levy has been published in many magazines, both on line and in print, from ‘A cappella Zoo’ to ‘Zygote In My Coffee’ and many places in-between. He is also a founding member of the Clueless Collective and can be found loitering on page corners and wearing hoodies at www.cluelesscollective.co.uk