The Herman Melville Lecture
"I was at the Towne Tavern one afternoon
and now that my beard is growing back
I have a look like The Ancient Mariner
or The Old Man of the Sea. I was having
a beer and enjoying some conversation
with some friends when this innocent thing
nearly of age walks up and asks:
"Excuse me, sir, do you mind if I ask you
a personal question?"
"Not at all dear, fire away."
"Are you Ernest Hemingway?"
"No dear, but if I was I'd be well preserved
having been dead for 50 or so years."
And it only gets worse. Seamus Heaney was
in town for the annual Herman Melville Lecture
that week. I couldn’t believe how many kids
were walking around telling other kids how
Herman Melville, you know the guy who wrote
Moby Dick, would be giving a lecture on Thursday;
says a lot about our education system today."
The Girl I Should Have Married
"I might have married Judy but there was
this thing that happened. I was down
on her heavy and her mother opened the door.
All I could do was look up and there she was.
She didn't say a word, didn't have to.
I told Judy I had to leave.
I'd had a few anyway so a little shut eye
wouldn't have hurt me any.
Imagine how I felt going back there.
The old lady was belting her around pretty good.
The old man didn't care but the old lady
sure as hell did.
I knocked on the door and the old lady glares
at me as if to say what the hell are you doing
I can't leave without my car keys, Judy's got 'em.
Couldn't marry a woman with a bitch like that
for a mother.
Too bad, she was a real enthusiastic woman
when it came to sex."
Tunes on the radio suggest it's a 60's
kind of late afternoon out On the Boardwalk
with The Drifters. He's basking on the porch
close to three hundred pounds of bloated flesh,
most if it in a belly his kids can't refrain from
poking as he yells over the music to his
"They're going to set bail, it doesn't look good.
We're talking 125 Grand, maybe more."
"Ten percent has to be guaranteed, right?
Why so high, what did he do?"
"They caught him with like seven grams of coke,
an unlicensed automatic weapon, an unspecified
explosive device, and enough joints to turn on
a football team."
"Bad news, isn't it?"
"The bad news is his prior for dealing to minors
that went with another felony possession rap.
He said he was innocent but he's already done time."
"How do you feel about it, I mean your brother
getting jammed by the cops?"
"It's not like he killed someone. He's still my bro
and I'll be there to the end even if he gets Life."